Written by XxXtumblrDaddyPwenisUwUXxX
1951, Manhattan: Daddy Einstein turns on his thicc time portal and sashays into The Past. He is chasing true love.
Cut to 1850, Galapagos Islands: Darwin Senpai is inside his sexy office, writing down his smart observations of animals. There is a Flash (and soon to be a bang UwU). Darwin Senpai hears a loud knock on his office door.
DARWIN: Who dares to disturb my science work?!
EINSTEIN: It’s me. I am your scientific equal, and you are my true love, Darwin Senpai.
Darwin Senpai curiously opens the door.
DARWIN: What? Who are you?
EINSTEIN: My name is Albert Einstein. I’m a very smart scientist from the future.
DARWIN: Impossible! How did you manage to travel through time?!
EINSTEIN: That’s not important right now, Darwin Senpai. We need to get married, so we can do sex and create a Genius Baby!
DARWIN: That sounds immoral Mr. Einstein!-
EINSTEIN: -please, call me Daddy Einstein.
DARWIN: (sighs) Daddy Einstein, I can’t be with you! I am married to my wife, and I’m already having an affair with Alfred Russell Wallace. I can’t have TWO extra- marital lovers! So I will not copulate with you.
EINSTEIN: But we can love each other, Darwin Senpai! Because of special relativity! See, I’m married to MY first cousin, and you’re married to YOUR first cousin. And you’re cheating on YOUR wife with a SCIENTIST, and I’m cheating on MY wife with Neils Bohr, a SCIENTIST. So we can get sex-married because our affairs will cancel each other out. That’s relativity, baby.
Darwin Senpai is dumbfounded, UwU.
DARWIN: That is good science. I can’t argue with good science.
EINSTEIN: I love you, Darwin Senpai!
DARWIN: I love you too Einstein. Against my better judgement, I have evolved feelings for you, OwO.
Daddy Einstein drops to one knee and pulls out a special engagement ring, made of atoms.
EINSTEIN: I love you Darwin Senpai! Will you marry me, for science?
DARWIN: Yes! UwU! YES, OwO!
Daddy Einstein puts the ring on Darwin Senpai’s finger. They makeout, and a photoelectric effect sparks between their lips.
DARWIN: I want to show you something.
EINSTEIN: Are you gonna show me your homologous structure, UwU?
DARWIN: Not yet. Follow me.
Darwin leads Einstein outside onto the Galapagos Island. They are on a beach, surrounded by nature. It’s pretty & romantic.
EINSTEIN: It’s beautiful, Darwin Senpai!
DARWIN: I love you, Daddy Einstein.
(a beat)
But I hope your object in motion stays in motion, OwO.
Daddy Einstein starts to wiggle, UwU.
EINSTEIN: Why don’t you express my genes and find out?
Darwin Senpai takes off Einstein’s pwants.
DARWIN: My my! That is quite the length contraction, Daddy Einstein!
EINSTEIN: Pwease introduce me to your gaping black hole, Darwin Senpai! I want to create a common ancestor with you.
Darwin Senpai strips, revealing his favorable traits.
EINSTEIN: My! You have such favorable traits, OwO!
Darwin Senpai and Daddy Einstein embrace, UwU. They make hot and naughty sex together for four days straight.
EINSTEIN: I’m gonna quant-Cum! I’m gonna quant-Cum!
DARWIN: Me tooooo! Space-Time ContinuCUMMM!
Daddy Einstein gives Darwin Senpai his splash. Darwin Senpai is instantly pregnant. Daddy Relativity finally fucked Daddy Evolution, . They cuddle romantically on the beach.
EINSTEIN: I’ll be right back, my love. I’m gonna time travel and bring back Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson for round two, UwU!
Fin.
Written by Adam GoWoecke, Staff Writer