Since OSU President Kristina M. Johnson’s sudden resignation at the end of 2022, speculation has been rampant about the cause of her leaving. Some have suggested criminal actions, disagreements with the OSU board of trustees, a potential sex scandal with Brutus the Buckeye, and others. Yet, due to the tireless work of Sundial journalists that is sure to win them the Pulitzer, we have finally uncovered the true nature of her dismissal.
Ever since Dr. Johnson assumed her role as President in 2020, she has been funneling millions of dining dollars from graduating students directly into her personal account. Everyone knows that when enrolled, your dining dollars roll over semester to semester, but when you graduate, those dining dollars disappear into the ether. Or so we thought. As it turns out, instead of being recycled into the University’s general account, Kristina Manipulation Johnson has been embezzling this money into her own personal account. For years with these stolen dining dollars, she has been spoiling herself with 35% off café drinks, bagels, and Mirror Lake chicken tenders.
But now the truth has been revealed, and she can no longer hide from the indiscriminate violence of justice. After receiving an anonymous tip, the FBI have suspended her passports, frozen her bank accounts (dining dollars included), and begun a nation-wide manhunt for their new #1 most wanted. Likely facing RICO charges, the now fugitive KJ has fled campus. She is to be considered armed and dangerous.
The Sundial will provide updates whenever they are available.
Written by (the soon to be Pulitzer Winner) Kurt Wanner