At a frat party last weekend, Fisher College of Business students voted to officially secede from The Ohio State University in order to create their own institute of higher learning. Immediately afterwards, Professor Ty Shepfer was elected to be the first ever President of the newly-created Fisher Bros University.
In a statement following his election victory, President Shepfer read aloud the Fisher Bros’ official Declaration of Independence. “When in the course of frathouse events it becomes necessary for one college to dissolve the bands which have connected them to its university, a decent respect for the opinions of our fellow Buckeyes requires that we should declare the causes which have led to this separation. For too long us Business students have been looked down upon by the rest of the university. The overwhelming condescension, particularly from STEM majors, has made it super difficult for us to have fun on the playground during recess. Sometimes we are even too upset to sleep during our mid-day naps in Schoenbaum Hall. And the bullying doesn’t just stop at verbal abuse; just yesterday, some Engineering majors took my crayons and threw them under a bus. This resulted in me missing a final, since I needed the crayons to fill out the exam coloring book.”
President Shepfer continued, “Besides, the reports of the easiness of our classes have been greatly exaggerated. I can personally guarantee that every Fisher student who has taken a Marc Smith Accounting class has at one point or another seriously considered leaping from the top of the Clock Tower. And don’t get me started on the outrageously high rates of depression and alcoholism among students taking Business Stats or Analytics. The point is, we’ve had enough of your BS, so we’re going to stick to our BBAs.”
In response to the secession, newly-instated University President Brutus Buckeye declared that “A university divided against itself cannot stand. Secession would destroy the greatest university in existence and prove for all time – to both future Buckeyes and the world – that a university of Ohioans could not survive.” He then vowed to send troops to retake the Fisher campus, with violence if necessary. “I’ll send in the freshmen on the first wave, since they’re the most expendable,” President Buckeye confided. “But even though we outnumber the Fisher Bros by a wide margin, we shouldn’t underestimate the strange and unholy powers possessed by those wackos in the Business frats. God only knows what profane abilities they’ve evolved by living with a constant 1.2% BAC.”
Written by Warren Buffet