We can all agree that the 2020 movie scene has been looking weak. With filming suspended and theaters shut down, we haven’t seen anything decent since Sonic the Hedgehog. So when we can finally make movies again, we need to come back strong. That’s why I think we should make my screenplay into a real movie, because it would be great! Don’t believe me? Trust me, this movie does three things no one else dares to:
1. It’s Revolutionarily Efficient!
You know how every movie is 2 hours long? That’s too much. People can’t remember 2 hours of content. Have you tried sitting through a 2-hour lecture? It’s impossible! That’s why I decided to try a never-before-seen project: making a movie that’s short. Using only 38 pages of the protagonist, Dave, lamenting over his life, I doubt that my movie will last longer than 20 minutes, which has to be a world record. Don’t worry, though, it’s got all the punch of a regular movie. It even has a redemption arc for a girl who didn’t want to date him.
2. People are just so mean to Dave!
So Dave’s a real sweet guy. Dude saves puppies, volunteers at shelters, donates money when he can, the whole shabang! But here’s the kicker: people are so mean to him even though he’s so nice! Talk about heartless! I wrote it as a reference to a construct from Plato’s Republic: the perfectly just person. They’re the best all the time, even though everybody else is a huge dick to them. Just like how Dave is so nice even when people are mean to him! It’s an interesting archetype that nobody’s done before!
3. It Focuses on an Emotional Journey!
I’ve seen too many movies where all we see is action, and the characters never grow or learn lessons. But as W. B. Yeats says in his poem Sailing to Byzantium, people become “A tattered coat upon a stick, unless / Soul clap its hands and sing”. So if these characters in garbage like Parasite, No Country for Old Men, and Despicable Me never learn a lesson that lets their soul clap and sing, what are we even doing here? That’s why I’ve decided to take a step away from action, and have less things happen so that we can see Dave’s deeply personal character growth.
Man, if I knew how easy being a pioneer of film would be, I would have done it ages ago! Kind of a shame nobody else has been able to enact on my genius ideas yet, but that’s fine by me. As soon as theaters reopen, I’m sure my screenplay will be the best movie of all time!
Written by Zach Levy, Vice President