From: Dr. Melissa Shivers, Senior Vice President for Student Life
RE: Doc’s Download – New university policy regarding student absences

Dear Students,

I hope you had a Scarlet and Great start to Spring Semester, and are fully rested and recharged for the months of torment ahead! This year, the Office of Student Life is implementing a new, University-wide policy regarding student absences. Previously it was up to each department or school to decide how they wanted to deal with absences by students. This system was labeled as “unfair” and “moronic” by some of you crybabies out there, so we’ve decided to implement this new policy instead.

Following the extended weekend, students will be required to submit notice of an absence at least three weeks in advance. This applies to absences caused by both sickness and emergencies. To help you understand exactly what this means, I’ve compiled a list of some real-life messages I’ve received from students, along with what my responses would be under the new Student Life policy.

MESSAGE: Dear Dr. Shively, This morning I woke up covered in sweat with a fever of 107. I think I have OSFlu! I won’t be able to attend classes for the next week. Could you please excuse my absences?

RESPONSE: It’s completely irresponsible of you to wait until you get sick to request an excused absence. You should have contacted me three weeks ago. Request denied.

MESSAGE: Dear Doc Shively, Last night my Grandma was hit by a reindeer! I have to go home and be by her side. Please excuse my absence; she’s a sweet old lady, and I’m her only grandchild!

RESPONSE: If you really love your Grandma so much, you should’ve submitted an appeal for an excused absence three weeks ago. Since you didn’t, your request is denied. I hope your Grandma dies cold and alone.

MESSAGE: Dear Doctor Shively, I think my roommate is the reincarnation of Jeffrey Dahmer. I plan on fleeing the city later this evening, but I don’t want this to affect my GPA. Please excuse my absences!

RESPONSE: If you want your absences to be excused, submit a request online and then wait the requisite three weeks. I don’t care if your roommate really is a homicidal maniac – simply follow the rules and you’ll be fine. (At least, your GPA will be).

Have a safe, relaxing, and successful semester!

Melissa Shivers, PhD
Senior Vice President for Student Life

Written by Walden Grayle, Investigative Reporter