“Sometimes, you just gotta pick yourself up by your bootstraps,” Arthur Bickle, 3rd year accounting major and president of the Conservatism, It’s the New Punk club, proclaimed as he snuffed out his cigarette with the stomp of a black Sperry duck boot. “To all of you who may be reading this, get your life together.”
Conservatism, It’s the New Punk club, serves as a sanctuary for conservatives who feel alienated by the current fashion, political, and music trends. Often shortened to CUCK, a title that is happily embraced by all members.
Ramona Flowergarden is the only 3rd year finance major who wears Doc Martens. “I started out in Turning Point USA, but got called a degenerate because I dyed my hair purple and started wearing all black,” Flowergarden stated as she rolled up a sleeve of her Green Day American Idiot album shirt to reveal a holy trinity tattoo on her left shoulder. “See! I still stan Adam and Eve, so it was their loss! I’m definitely happy being a cuck, though.”
Since all of the members of CUCK are in some form of a business major, most debates around politics do not go beyond the surface level; despite this, fervent political opinions are still shared. “Admittedly, most of our meetings center around a certain political YouTuber, like last week it was Ben Shapiro and this week it’s PragerU, but we generously play some Blink [182] or Sum [41] in between all that,” Travis Fleck, 4th year marketing major and conservative vlogger, explained as he adjusted his Socialism is for [Expletives] shirt — a crowderian mockery of the original Che Guevara design. “You start to realize that all of what you were taught in that sociology class was morbidly wrong,” Fleck remarked as the rest of CUCK silently fixated on Dennis Prager’s ‘debunking’ of human-caused climate change. “Honestly, I wish I went to PragerU instead of OSU.”
In accordance with the club title, punk rock is a large part of CUCK. Aptly so, three musicians met through the club to form a hard-hitting punk band. “We’re a three-piece Black Flag cover band called American Flag,” Bickle—guitarist and vocalist—stated as he gestured to a random dude and his middle-aged dad, the bassist and drummer respectively. American Flag has recently released three songs on Spotify, all of which are unique takes on Black Flag classics: “Rise Above (Liberal Indoctrination); “My War (Against the SJW Agenda)”; and “White Minority”, which bears the same name as the originally ironic Black Flag record. The band has played at country clubs and, just recently, an anti-lockdown protest: “Our fans may not like the music, but they sure do love the lyrics. It’s all about questioning the system, but maintaining it all at the same time—that’s what’s so transgressive about it!”
If you’re interested in joining CUCK Fall semester, be aware that there is a passcode for first time entry as to prevent brigading: “Soyboy.”
Written by Jake Schitz, Contributor