COLUMBUS – Former President Donald Trump was arrested Tuesday after refusing to return a to-go box at Kennedy Commons, which he had checked out over the weekend.
According to reports from the Columbus Police Department, Mr. Trump visited Kennedy Commons on Saturday, April 1st, after placing a Grubhub to-go order containing a well done New York strip with ketchup, 18 kilograms of steamed hams, and a single packet of Gushers. The former president picked up his to-go box consisting of his order from the front of the building but failed to return it within the 36-hour grace period allotted by the school.
Mr. Trump’s lawyer, Joe Tacopina, called the indictment and subsequent arrest by the Columbus D.A. and Police Department an “unconstitutional witch hunt” and demanded the D.A. office “dismiss the charges against [his] client immediately”.
Crowds of Donald Trump’s most passionate supporters have begun descending upon the Ohio Union in what appears to be a protest against Trump’s arrest. Advocates from both the Ohio State College Republicans and TPUSA accused the school and the city of Columbus of using the arrest to profit off of Trump and the Republican Party.
“First they wanted to take my guns, and now they want to take my lord and savior, Donald John Trump? The liberals have done it again,” said second-year coal mining major Cletus Kuminmyazz.
“This whole “eco-friendly” to-go box bullshit designed by Kristina M. Johnson and her deep- state co-conspirators was all a ploy just to get Trump arrested. It’s not Trump’s fault that he can’t remember when to return a plastic bin. Hell, he must have forgotten he had a wife when he fucked a porn star,” Kuminmyazz continued.
The trial of former President Donald Trump is not set to begin for at least another year. Until then, The Sundial will provide the latest updates on this unprecedented moment in American political history.
Written by Grant Lieberman, Politics Head Writer