If you’ve been alive at all these past few months, then you’ll know about the demonization of plastic straws. So called “environmental organizations” and “unbiased media reports” have been warning about the impact that discarded plastic straws can have on marine life, but as a self-declared, online- certified nature specialist, I’m here to tell you all that is FAKE NEWS.
Ever gone swimming and accidentally opened your mouth underwater? Remember what happens? That’s right. YOU CHOKE. That’s exactly what happens to sea turtles. Think about it. Have you ever seen a photograph of a sea turtle with its mouth open? Of course not. That’s because every time a sea turtle tries to open its cute lil beak, a big pool of water rushes in, and the poor sea turtle chokes to death. (If ya’ll one of ‘em PC Pussies who don’t believe me, I triple dog-dare you to try it yourself right now).
It turns that sea turtles need straws as much as humans do. In a scientific study conducted at the Real American University in the Caribbean, scientists found that sea turtles who were given plastic straws to drink water were three times less likely to die from drowning. The US goes through 182.5 billion straws per year. Do you know how many sea turtles could be drinking water with those straws?!!! 182.5 BILLION. That’s more people than there are in the whole state of Texas.
So call up your hipster friend Arlo with his stupid round glasses and his year-round, skinny gray scarf who gets all up in your business when he takes out his reusable metal straw because it’s time to give him two middle fingers and a big FUCK YOU.
P.S. Vaccines still cause autism, and don’t you forget it.
Written by Alicia Bao, Treasurer