We all know that “climate change” is a hoax made up by liberals to ruin American industry. BUT, on the off chance that climate change is “real,” we’ve gotta save the earth. Because if the planet dies, industry dies too! Here are four fool-proof strategies to save Mother Capitalism:
1. Blow Up The Moon
The oceans’ tides rise and fall 3 whole yards every single day. These drastic tide changes greatly increase the erosion of the polar ice-caps, which raises sea levels and threatens the free market. How can we stop this tidal climate destruction? We kill the source of the tides- Blow up The Moon!
2. Drain The Ocean
So we just blew up the moon- great job, team. But shit, the climate is still changing! Fuck it, let’s just drain the ocean. Dig a great big hole into the Earth’s core, and let the six seas will drain into it, both cooling the Earth AND protecting economic competition!
3. Stop Procreating
The libs wouldn’t let us drain the ocean, so everyone has to stop reproducing! There are over 7.5 billion humans on the Earth. Overpopulation literally FUCKS our capitalist climate-Please, for the Love of God, stop having kids! Seriously, you can’t even remember to bring your reusable bags to buy groceries every week, why would you copy your dumb, anti-capitalist genes? Do the free enterprise a favor, and adopt your children instead.
4. Kill the Whales, Save the Earth
All you narcissists keep poppin’ out ugly babies, so we’ve gotta kill marine creatures instead. Whales make up less than 0.01 percent of the total animal population, BUT whales consume FORTY percent of the planet’s oxygen. That means that whales DOUBLE the world’s CO2 levels!
Seriously, whales are fucking HUGE! There’s an entire country that lives on top of a SINGLE whale–it’s called Wales!
The WHALES have been killing capitalism this whole time! There’s only one true plan to save privatized wealth- Grab your harpoons, and help me exterminate those commie Motherblubbers!
Written by Adam Goecke, Staff Writer