Due to underfunding and staff shortages, we here at Counseling and Consultation Services are unfortunately unable to meet the high demand of students requesting help with their mental health. But, in the absence of face-to-face therapy, we have created this exhaustive list of tips and tricks to keep your crushing depression and anxiety from being your final undoing. So, from CCS: The Top Five Lifehacks to Not Kill Yourself!

5. Search “Therapist ASMR” on YouTube

Therapy is a very important part of working on your mental health, and we would totally give you some if we could. If you don’t want to wait for the four-year-long waitlist to clear up, try closing your eyes and listening to the soothing sounds of someone telling you it’s not your fault your dad left while they pop bubble wrap.

4. Catch a Squirrel and Put a “Working” Vest On It

Therapy animals are great for helping to manage anxiety, but they can be expensive, and if you had decent insurance you definitely wouldn’t be dealing with CCS in the first place. For an affordable option, catch a squirrel with your bare hands and put a little vest on it you bought off of Etsy. Is it the same thing as a trained therapy dog? Probably not, but it’s a pretty sick vest.

3. Don’t Make Direct Eye Contact with Any Parking Garages

We don’t know what it is about parking garages, but they really seem to bum you guys out. Could it be that there’s a serious mental health problem on campus, and our fixation on jumping off them as one way to commit suicide isn’t doing anything to actually help students in distress? Fuck nah, those things are just evil. Longboard to campus.

2. Keep Your Gun on the Top Shelf

Statistically, a gun owner is more likely to use their gun to kill themselves than they are a home intruder. But you can’t get rid of your gun; it’s cool as hell! Just keep it on the top shelf, behind the Kashi. That way, if you’re about to end your life, you’d have to stand on a chair to reach it.

1. Blast Music in Your Dorm Until You Get a Noise Complaint

Do you feel like you’re nothing but a dust cloud of apathy drifting through an utterly indifferent universe, completely cut off from those around? Try laying face down on the floor while blaring Everybody Hurts by R.E.M on repeat. Eventually your RA will knock on your door and let you know your neighbor Kevin filed a noise complaint. Looks like the people around you are aware of your existence; Kevin hates you now!

So there you have it, The Top Five Lifehacks to Not Kill Yourself. Now that you have these valuable skills, you can stop bothering us about therapy. For real, just leave us alone.

Written by CCS