In a statement to the press earlier today, new University President Walter Carter Jr. discussed his administration’s key initiatives. The following is a summary of some of his more lucid remarks. 

  • Traditions Dining locations will begin serving actual food. 

President: “The last time I ate at Scott’s, I was hospitalized for 3 days from food poisoning. Our students deserve better. That’s why our Traditions Dining locations are going to start serving real food, not that artificial shit we’ve been importing from the Philippines all this time.”

  • A giant wooden horse will be given to Michigan as a peace offering.

President: “We should prioritize making love, not war! For too long we have been embroiled in this conflict with Michigan; time to end things once and for all.”

  • Hamster wheels will be installed in the RPAC’s Cardio Canyon.

President: “The University is committed to supporting our students’ health. These state-of-the-art hamster wheels will allow students to exercise with pride and dignity!”

  • Inspired by Amsterdam’s Red Lights District, the University will build a Scarlet Lights District on South Campus.

President: “I don’t care if you’re gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight; I want to see you working under those Scarlet lights! This project will create hundreds of well-paying opportunities for student employment.”

  • High Street will become a crime-free zone.

President: “Previous presidents have talked about it, but no one has actually done anything – until now. On my first day in office I will sign a law making it illegal to commit crimes on High Street.”

  • Students living on the second floor of residence halls will be banned from using the elevators.

President: “Take the stairs, you lazy pieces of shit! If you live on the second floor and are caught using the elevator, you’ll be executed by COAM – no exceptions, not even for wheelchair users.”

  • Protect the business majors!.

President: “I feel your pain, Fisher students! I know how mean the STEM majors can be. That’s why I’m officially asking USG to pass an anti-discrimination act to protect business students from STEM bullies.”

  • Ohio State will cut ties with The Lantern.

President: “The University will no longer sponsor The Lantern, which my administration hereby recognizes to be a terrorist organization. I encourage all Ohio State students to read The Sundial instead, which really is much more truthful and accurate in every way.”

Written by William Oxley Thompson