In a shocking turn of events, The Ohio State University’s Board of Trustees has
announced on Tuesday the appointment of the university’s 17th president, President Carter.
Expected to begin his term on January 1st, 2024, President Carter will not only make history as
the oldest president of the university (Carter will be 99 when his term starts), but he will also be
the first Ohio State president to have also served as President of the United States.
Born to a family of peanut farmers in Plains, Georgia, President Carter came from
humble beginnings. A man of devout faith and an affectionate passion for politics, President
Carter graduated from the Naval Academy in 1946 before entering the Georgia political sphere
in 1962. Carter eventually declared his intent to run for the presidency of the United States in
1974, where he defeated incumbent Gerald Ford by a margin of 56 electoral votes.
Celebrated for his prowess in negotiating domestic affairs and for his humanitarian
efforts, it’s no doubt that President Carter will be bringing his expertise with him to Columbus.
However, concerns have begun to arise over how Carter will be able to fulfill his presidential
duties while undergoing hospice care.
When pressed for comment, Board of Trustees member Hiroyuki Fujita seemed caught
off guard, explaining, “I have absolutely zero idea what you are talking about. You must be
thinking of the wrong person, and why are you wearing no clothes?”
Regardless, President Carter affirms that he remains committed to the continuing
prosperity of The Ohio State University and is steadfast on putting the students of the university
first.
In a press conference Tuesday afternoon, President Carter proclaimed, “Man I love
peanuts and I love The Ohiyah State Universitah. Now where did Rossalyn go?”
Word has yet to surface on whether President Carter has decided between Bill Clinton
and Barack Obama as his right-hand man.
Written by Grant Lieberman