Want to yell at your little shithead kids for some banal nonsense that they did, but too afraid to cause a scene at Aunt Jan’s vegan-friendly tofurkey dinner? Well then, we have the tool for you. Just follow our simple plan and you can rage to your heart’s content, anytime, anywhere.
1. Try swearing in another language. Don’t remember those three semesters of college Spanish from 1985? Try picking up pig latin.
Example: If you don’t pick up your uckingfay grades then I’m going to drop your amnday phone off the side of the nearest uckingfay skyscraper you piece of hitsay. Amnday waste of space.
2. When you want to educate your children as you berate them, I suggest replacing curse words with classic literary authors.
Example: Charlie, where the fuck have you been!? You better get your ass to bed before I beat the shit out of it! What a fucking dick head.
Becomes: Charlie, where the F. Scott Fitzgerald have you been!? You better get your Austen to bed before I beat the Steinbeck out of it! What a Faulkner-ing Dickens head.
3. Use regional slang from another area to disguise your profanities as pro-fun-ities.
Example: Regional Replacements for Ass
Midwestern: Butt
Northern: Tush
Southern: Sweet Thang
Example: Regional Replacements for Damn
Midwestern: Dang it
Northern: Gosh Darn
Southern: Dangnabbit
Example: Regional Replacement for What the Fuck
Midwestern: What the Frick?
Northern: What the Feck?
Southern: What in the didly darn tootin?
Written by Hannah Wagner, Senior Staff Member