Let’s be real: you know exactly where this article is going. I could give you context, but that wouldn’t do anything to assuage the visceral thought of that bushy mustache chomping down on a PhleshyPhallus™. Let’s just say the jig is up. Cap’n Crunch had his first day in court today and asserted that all arguments against him were fallacious. I, on the other hand, would argue that they were… fellatious. (Get it? Like fellatio? The technical word for the simultaneously soul-killing yet vitalizing act of ShaftSlurping™). Anywho, I’m already starting to get the spins.
Hopefully this article gets more views. Why don’t more people read my WordPress posts? This is informative shit. I’m four beers in and I’m bringing high quality journalism. Fuck you guys. Well… the ones not reading this. If you made it this far then we’re cool. Anyway… it turns out Cap’n Crunch may’ve injured more than one person. After meeting up with various men from the Crunchr hookup app, apparently many of them would shout, “Crunchetize me, Daddy Captain!” but instead of turning them into animated children, like in the commercials, he would just start CherryChompin™. Crunch has claimed that the phrase gives him “war flashbacks” and takes him back his own capitalist exploitation in the early 2000s. A coalition of people have come together to demand justice for their crunched genitalia. I’ve actually started a coalition in favor of freeing Cap’n Crunch however no one has joined yet. Unfortunately, my group, much like the victims of Cap’n Crunch, is memberless.
Written by Bradford Douglas, Staff Writer