I heard that when you were in high school, you didn’t have a lot of friends, so you resorted to eating lunch in the bathroom stall to avoid the embarrassment of sitting alone. But you’re not the only one who had a special afternoon activity. And I’m not embarrassed of it at all. In fact, I would even say that my thing was way more interesting and badass than yours and, frankly, people should be talking about it a lot more.
If you’re thinking ‘she must’ve peed in the cafeteria,’ you’d be correct. While you were eating lunch in a bathroom stall, getting crumbs everywhere, being super disrespectful to the janitorial staff, I was busy pissing under every lunch table in sight. I stand by my claim that what I did was better than what you did. But for some reason, I have never come across, say, a young adult novel featuring a teen who pees in the cafeteria in order to constantly watch over her peers to make sure none of them choke on their food. No. They’re always about people like you who eat their lunch on the toilet. I’m tired of it. The least you could do is admit that my lunchtime routine was superior to yours, because it was.
People might say that we should have traded places – that you should have been eating in the lunchroom with the rest of the student body, and I should have been urinating in one of three stalls in the bathroom closest to the cafeteria. But I would disagree. I think we both should have been in the lunchroom. Shame on you for bringing potential allergens into an enclosed public space. Every bathroom stall should be a nut free bathroom stall, but you and your PB&J violated that understanding. Unlike you, I cared about my peers. I stayed away from the pee free table. That’s right. We had one. And that is just one of the millions of reasons why my thing was better than your thing. Please give me recognition that I deserve.
Written by Sarah Palazzo, Co-President