Do it. Do it right now, coward. Piss your pants right now. Do it. Make your dreams come true. Piss. Bet you can’t. I’ve got 20 bucks saying you can’t do it now. Go ahead. I’ll wait for you to finish.
Aww, what’s the matter? Still reading? Haven’t pissed yet? What a shame. Sitting too prim to piss? Too pretty to be pissy? Too prudish to be piss-ish? Weak. Weak. You’re milquetoast. I bet you don’t even use piss to spread on your toast. I bet you use butter. Disgusting. Absolutely recreant.
Oh, what’s that stain in your pants? Did I frighten you into pissing? Wow. Astonishing. Astounding. Pathetic. You’re not even a yellow-belly – that would imply some skill in aiming. Now yellow-bellies, those folks are creative. Golden. Innovative. Like archers, only the arrow is piss and the target isn’t the toilet. You couldn’t even piss yourself on command. I bet you use the toilet to piss in, intentionally. Lowlife. You’re not even worthy of being mentioned in the same sentence as “piss,” poltroon that you are.
You know what? I’ve got a new challenge. $40. Double the amount from prior, if that wasn’t clear. If you can’t piss properly, I can’t expect you to be able to do math, either. 40 bucks if you can shit yourself, right now. Right here, on this spot.
I’ll even up the reward: 80 – that’s right, 80 fuckin’ bucks – if you can piss and shit yourself at the same time. Wow. The opportunity of a lifetime. I’ll even time it, here we go. Ready? Set… Excrete.
Written by Peter Muzawla, Staff Writer