In a turn of events shocking literally no one, the Supreme Court ruled Friday morning in favor of a Colorado web-designer who refused to make wedding websites for same-sex couples. The ruling now allows for businesses to discriminate against others when selling “expressive goods.” Starbucks was the first major corporation to act on this, announcing they would be raising the price of alternative milks for LGBT people. The company stated that “most oat milk sales come from the LGBT, which makes since both are unnatural phenomenon. So why not make an extra buck from it?”
When asked about this, Starbucks CEO, Laxman Narasimhan, went on to say “It’s just not natural. Oats don’t have breasts, neither do almonds! What are they even milking?!” The price increase will be $2.00 per letter of the LGBTQIA+ that the customer belongs to—on top of the current upcharge for alternative milks. An additional .50 cent charge will also be applied if the customer is wielding a tote bag, can’t drive, or had any member of boygenius in their 2022 Spotify Wrapped—regardless of the customer’s sexuality or gender identity. Just to be safe.
It is unclear at this time whether Starbucks will make any further changes to exploit their queer customers. Rumors have circulated that if this is successful, they will add additional charges based on whether or not the customer “bottoms.” For now, stay safe twinks.
Written by Holden Klym