Witnessing a goose chase yet another person and bite their leg in the local park, onlookers confirmed that there is truly no one to whom these egalitarian waterfowls will not be right little water-foul bastards. “It’s truly moving, just how even-handed their asshattery is,” said one park ranger, as he witnessed one goose honk aggressively at every passerby and then bite a child’s hand so it could steal the picnic box he was carrying and drop it into the park’s lake.
“Man, woman, child, doesn’t matter who you are: a goose will fuck up anyone’s day. They don’t see people, only skin to bite and victims upon which to inflict malevolent mischief.” The ranger giggled. “Their gaggles of goslings couldn’t ask for greater role models.” The ranger also reported another goose harassing an old man raking leaves, only to drag the rake he dropped before running away and throw that into the lake as well.
A statue was recently commemorated in the park’s plaza to honor the “gallantry” of the goose (an event which the geese could not be bothered to attend, figuratively and literally). Reportedly, the statute had a plaque, but a group of the birds somehow ripped it off – simultaneously leaving feces in strategically inconvenient places around the plaza. Later, onlookers witnessed the fowls proudly parading around the park with the plaque. Ironically, it read: “As all peoples of all backgrounds can attest, there is no being with more unafflicted malice and hatred, more pure and impartial evil, burning angrily in its heart than I, the goose.” Not long after, it was reported that the plaque, too, was dumped into the lake.
Written by Peter Muzawla, Staff Writer