You and Tyler from math are finally officially dating. But if your self-esteem is as low as mine, you’re not certain how long you’ll be able to hold his attention before he decides to move on to someone better looking, more talented, and with a more expansive knowledge of the Ben 10 series. But, if you follow these simple instructions, you’re going to woo Tyler with a modern rendition of the Guns N’ Roses classic.
First, you are going to need two preliminary skills. The first is to learn the Cup Song. If you’re embarrassed about not knowing how to do the Cup Song it’s because you should be. Pitch Perfect came out in 2012 and nobody should have graduated elementary school without that knowledge. I’ll forgive you in this case, but this is something you need to learn. Go to my YouTube and find the tutorial I uploaded in the 4th grade, it has nine million views. Second, you’re going to have to learn all of the words to “Welcome to the Jungle.” You can’t skimp on this one, either, because Tyler’s dad is a huge Guns N’ Roses fan. The hardest part to remember is when Axl Rose stutters when he sings “knees” during the chorus. I’ll save you the math—he stutters the “kn” eleven times before he can get the word out. You’re welcome.
Next, you need to decide how you’ll get it to him. Your first instinct may be to perform it live in front of everyone during lunch period. This is the wrong move, trust me. You’ll go to do it and that choir bitch Nathaniel will try to turn it into a riff off before you can say, “you learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play.” I recommend some sort of online medium. Facebook is out right now, but it may make a comeback so keep it on your radar. The best bet is probably Instagram, just make sure you don’t accidentally post it on your Finsta. Do not tag him in it but be sure to give him a shout out at the beginning of the video so he knows for sure it’s for him.
Finally, you’re going to have to perform it. Hopefully you heeded my advice and you’ve opted to record it and send it to him so you’ll have more than one take. What you’re gonna want to do is take one of your dad’s red “fun cups” to the bathroom. If you record it in your bedroom then everyone will hear you, so head to the bathroom for optimal privacy. If you’re feeling confident, invite Sarah over so she can make sure the lighting looks good. Hit record on your iPhone and begin attempt number one. The average number of tries to get it perfect is about twenty-three, so you’re going to be here for a while. Don’t make any plans this weekend and just get it done, you won’t regret it when you and Tyler finally hold hands for the first time.
Written by RG Barton, Editor in Chief