Are you searching for a viable romantic partner, but aren’t convinced by traditional chocolate and flower rituals? Are you looking to test just how adaptable to their environment your suitors are? Then I’ve got just the thing for you: Darwinism!
Natural selection is no new concept, but with a humanly romantic twist? It’d be the best approach to dating since sexual cannibalism (see praying mantis). Normal human culture prohibits that kind of thing, but a different, albeit similar (and only somewhat less deadly), principle applies here. Altogether, it’s bloody, it’s indifferent, it’s efficient!
Mother Earth has no favorites when it comes to survival – natural selection isn’t prejudiced. But humans are! I wouldn’t go so far as to recommend death matches, but we kill plants by the millions for holidays anyway. Objectively, what’s one step away from plants and one closer to humans? With that in mind, you deserve nothing but the best: here are some bestially exotic ways to determine who, among your pool of suitors, is the most fit to survive. After all, what’s more raw-ly romantic than the survival of the fittest?
If someone gets you flowers, eat them.
And by that, I mean the flowers, not the person who got you flowers – unless that person is determinably weak and/or you’re made stronger by it (like with praying mantis), which then depends on personal preference. Flowers are indeed a frequent courtship behavior meant to arouse interest in receptive mates, but which may still be performed by weak wooers.
As such, one effective solution to ward them off is: eat the flowers. Blossom, stem, and all. Root, too, if you have to. If the flowers presented to you are inadequate for your display, find ones that are. Chew slowly and deliberately while staring your suitor down, dead-eyed and unflinching.
This establishes dominance, intimidating weaker candidates who cannot match their ability for yours. Those who remain make cases for fitter mates, whether for strength or for wit, without sacrificing the romance of endurance desirable in a partner. If your body has trouble digesting flowers normally inedible, then, well, that’s more your problem than mine.
Drop suitors into extreme environments to see which are capable of survival.
This admittedly depends on the access you have to means of transporting groups to mostly isolated areas. But, again: not my problem.
These locations can range anywhere from the arctic tundra to the African savannah. While bodily constitution varies in strength, the best of your suitors will have the strength of body or mind (with perhaps minimal equipment) to survive long enough to fill your criteria. Not only does this reaffirm your future mate’s vitality but also their resolve and ardor for adaptation in the face of adversity.
In a similar vein, be aware of sudden coping mechanisms that may result from sudden genetic mutations dependent upon the environment in which the suitor is dropped. This may include dramatic growth of body hair (i.e. turning into a Sasquatch), the development of blubber around the limbs and torso (seal or whale), or the sudden development of a sexual craving for flesh (mantis). If this occurs somewhere with radioactive waste, this is (relatively) normal behavior, but, anywhere else, it depends. This activity may be a good or a bad thing for you, if copulation is still an option at this point.
Have your suitors fight in the Thunderdome (or other arena).
Now, I know I said I wouldn’t recommend death matches, but… I lied. If you have neither the ability nor interest to force innocents to arm and fight each other for your glory (and entertainment), I’m surprised you’ve read this far.
Moving on, one of the most effective methods to choose from among your potential partners is to have them outwit each other in gladiator fights until one or both of them admits defeat and/or dies. This could be in the Thunderdome, the arena from the Hunger Games, wherever. If this sounds overly dangerous, don’t worry – the mutated supers who survived radiation poisoning would be in a bracket of their own.
Invariably, the one who ends up at the top is the one who doesn’t croak. Now, as is likely to occur, be prepared to fight them yourself. After all the horror that they have been put through, this is verily inevitable. As such, I advise to come equipped with the power to subdue them. If they subdue you, then this verily reflects their strength as a more-than capable romantic partner – that is, if they don’t kill you before a relationships develops (or after, as with praying mantis).
Congrats: Now you’re either dead, dying, or thriving through
(lack of) adaptation! Sexy.
These are all the steps you need to weed out your weak pursuers from among those with the true tenacity to survive. This guide is not universal, so I encourage taking the liberty to “adapt” (heh) it to your own situation. If it isn’t too late, now would be the time to determine if your suitor is still pursuing you, with romantic or now-murderous intent. Either way, try not die, and do whatever you can to survive – good luck!
Written by Peter Muzawla, Staff Writer