COLUMBUS– The local Chili’s burnt down on February 13th in a mysterious fire that some are claiming is connected to a suspicious series of robberies and thefts in the neighborhood. The Northside Chili’s, a popular Midwestern bar and grill for people in their forty’s, was in the middle of its usual Wednesday night rush when smoke began to pour out of the kitchen. Although firefighters and police assure The Sundial that no foul play was involved, survivors of the fire have a different take on the events. Cathy Burns, an early 40’s woman and frequent patron of the Northside Chili’s, was celebrating the imaginary holiday “Galantine’s Day” in a pathetic attempt to ignore the vast, unnecessary societal shame of being an unwed woman in her 40’s when the fire caught. “I don’t buy any of this natural causes nonsense,” said Ms. Burns. “If you ask me, it was probably a jealous ex or scorned lover coming to enact their revenge. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was Julie’s old flame Andrew. He was always a bad egg.” Ms. Burns was joined by a friend and fellow Galantine’s celebrator Lisa Dodren. Ms. Dodren agreed with Ms. Burns that something was fishy, though she was thoroughly convinced it wasn’t a spurned lover but instead “the romantic spark between that new couple two booths over that was so intense it cause a grease fire.” Also in the party was Shelly Martin-Stevens, the only married woman in the group. When asked to comment on the hypotheses of her fellow ‘gals,’ Mrs. Martin-Stevens merely rolled her eyes and said, “Ignore them. The closer we get to the 14th, the more they think Cupid himself is out to destroy everything.”
Written by Hannah Wagner, Senior Staff Member