Yeah, it’s Valentine’s Day, so? My Parents aren’t going to do anything, right? No. They’re not, and I can prove it. Here’s 5 better explanations as to why my parents want me to go to bed at 8 tonight:

1. I Have a Test Tomorrow
Mrs. Mayor is giving everyone a big math test tomorrow. I have to memorize the quadratic formula and everything! My parents aren’t trying to have sex, they just pay attention to me, and want me to get extra sleep so I can do well on the test!

2. I Did Something Bad

I don’t know what happened, but usually my parents send me to my room when I break the rules. If I just apologize, they’ll let me go. Sometimes, they even buy me ice cream, if they end up in a good mood. But usually I have to wait in my room a bit before I go over. If I go to their room at 9 it will all be good, right? I won’t see anything. Right? Right.

3. They’re Planning a Party
I bet one of my cousins has a birthday coming up. We host a lot of the family reunions, because we have a great patio and an even better grill. If there is a birthday coming up, that means Mom and Dad are making balloons and gift bags! That explains why Mom was talking about getting “rubbers” and “beads.”

4. They Need to Sleep
I guess I’m usually a pretty loud kid. I’ve tried to be quiet when I play games, but I’m getting sick and tired of fighting Inklings in Smash Bros. My parents must be unable to sleep over it, and getting me to bed early will let them sleep togethe-I mean, sleep. They’re sleeping, and they’re in the same bed, so they’re together, but they aren’t, like, sleeping together, you know?

5. They’re Supervillians
My parents might actually be running a crime ring I don’t know about. Tonight, they’re just building a killer robot that will fight somebody, and they don’t want me to see their creation. Maybe that’s why Dad had a bottle of lubric- OH GOD THEY’RE FUCKING NO I CAN PICTURE IT OH GOD I CAN HEAR THE SCREAMS IT’S SO LOUD OH GOD OH FUCK NOOOOOO-

And there you have it, ladies and gents. The five reasons that I’m getting so much rest right now. I can’t believe some of you perverts thought they were going to have sex, there are so many more plausible reasons for me going to sleep at the completely reasonable hour of 8pm.

Written by Zach Levy, Staff Writer