Washington DC – In a shocking memo released by the FBI earlier this morning, Texas Senator Ted Cruz was revealed to not be the Zodiac Killer, despite public belief and the overwhelming evidence of having the face that he has.
However, the investigation also revealed Cruz actually has killed before. In fact, there is now definitive proof Cruz is actually every other serial killer from history.
From Jack the Ripper to the Axeman of New Orleans, Cruz’ bloodlust seems to defy space and time. The FBI’s memo contained this statement, “It is without a single doubt that we are able to announce to the American people that Senator Cruz has committed every unsolved serial killing this world has ever seen.”
The memo stated proof of his crimes as, “that time he bought all that soup after his honeymoon” and “he would wander around Princeton in a paisley robe.”
The most damning evidence of all, however, is still his face. “I mean just look at him,” said David Berkowitz, better known as the serial killer called “Son of Sam.” “He’s just so creepy.”
Attention was called to Cruz earlier this year when he mysteriously won his election against People’s Sexiest man Alive 2020 Beto O’Rourke.
FBI Director Christopher Wray released his own statement, saying “We launched the investigation looking for voter fraud as soon as Cruz won his election, because that made no sense, but what we found was much worse.”
Cruz’s office has yet to respond to the inquires, but they have recently retweeted a tweet from around Halloween, where the Senator admitted to being the Zodiac Killer, likely to throw off suspicion.
President Trump has also tweeted about the memo, toying with the idea of a presidential pardon, saying “I love Ted hes a baeutiful guy, hell be fine, even though his wife isnt.”
Written by Quinn Wright, Staff Writer