Well…it’s that time of year again. The trees are turning colors, the breeze is getting a little chillier, and you can’t tell for the life of you if that basic white guy in the chinos, Sperry’s, and collared shirt of some sort has seen you naked before. It’s a common phenomenon around the beginning of autumn semester. After a long summer of internships, vacations, and general distance from your usual Grindr options, you just can’t tell if this is Nick from your Documentary Cinema Class, or Nick from Thursday, March 28th at 3 AM/ 2AM central. Well, wonder no more! Here are 4 Tips for recognizing the ol’ Bedroom Buddies around the Oval!
They Make Knowing Eye Contact With You
This is typically a red flag. If, upon noticing your presence, they say mouth “Oh shit!” then start rapidly whispering to their sophomore friend Sophia, you’ve definitely hit that. Possibly twice. Is it acceptable to greet them? You aren’t friends, yet they know your body more than any of your close friends ever will. Do you grin? Does this wrongly indicate that you’ve caught the lamentable…feelings? The iconic White People Smile that looks like the “:|” emoji is probably your best bet. After all, ya give it to every other stranger – what makes the sophomore who ghosted you after sex on your first date any different?
They Avoid Eye Contact With You
This isn’t a surefire way, as most men were taught not to maintain eye contact with another man in order to #MaintainHeterosexuality. Even during gay sex, eye contact for longer than three seconds at a time will provoke a swift and unprejudiced, “what kind of gay shit is this?” At which point—after removing his penis from your mouth—you reply, “No homo, bro, my b!” and continue where you left off.
They Change Directions When It Looks Like Your Paths Will Cross
Are you ever just walking down the Oval, minding your own business, listening to your favorite screenwriting podcast when you see a former PenilePartner™ trottin’ your way? You’re on one path going one direction, but they’re far enough way that they can use one of the many forks in the road and sure enough, if they don’t recognize your face, they recognize your vibe of general inadequacy. So they make a sharp left, consciously deciding that being late to that midterm is worth avoiding you. You could look in his direction; you could act like you didn’t notice. Either way, you’ll see him again the next time you’re lonely on a Saturday night.
You Get a Message Asking If You Were At X At Y Time
This could be a text, but let’s be real, you two didn’t exchange numbers. This is either a snap message or it’s back on the platform you found each other on. It’s foreplay, don’t kid yourself. Your answer will be yes or no, his will be “lol I thought I saw you” either in accuracy or error, and then he’ll ask “what’s up” and, usually, the answer is him.
Written by Bradford Douglas, Staff Writer