Hello and welcome to the horoscope page! Our usual psychic medium, Glowing Gail, has been away the past few weeks while finishing up the taping of her new reality show, Gail’s Nails, in which Gail, a licensed nail technician, gives clients an all-in-one manicure/psychic experience. Gail’s Nails will be airing on TLC in the spring, so be sure to give it a watch! In the meantime, I’m Fraternity Fran and I’ll be dishing out this month’s horoscopes for The Sundial. In an attempt to appeal to the college youth, I will be providing accurate information on the frat boy that you’ll be extremely attracted to and his problematic trait that you will ultimately ignore because, well, he’s hot. As usual, if you feel your horoscope is inaccurate, please address any and all complaints to iveneverexperiencedjoy@hotmail.com.
Aries: Chase, great hair, has sustained no less than 6 beer can-related head injuries in one night
Taurus: Blake, beautiful lips, self-identifies as a DILF but asked you 4 (four) times if you were on birth control during foreplay
Gemini: Jake, 6’3”, says “haha, yeah” whenever you tell a joke, stifling your comedic spirit
Cancer: Matt, ridiculously clear skin, texts you that his “surgery is on Friday” but he “still needs a plus 1” to the pre-op
Leo: Chad, big brown eyes, got kicked out of Cane’s at 2:45 am for initiating a fist fight with the disco ball
Virgo: Alec, symmetrical face, says you can’t really understand film until you’ve seen Fight Club and asks that you call him Tyler Durden in bed
Libra: Jack, has a 6 pack, uses his “Saturdays are for The Boys” flag as a towel because he hasn’t done laundry in 6 weeks
Scorpio: Kyle, strong jawline, carries a guitar around with him at all times just waiting for someone to request a song from him, also never wears a shirt
Sagittarius: Jake (not that one), extremely toned pecs, has 80 fist-sized holes in his wall, claims they are due his house’s rat infestation
Capricorn: Brett, perfect amount of facial hair, thinks American flag shorts are an appropriate piece of clothing to wear to your grandfather’s wake
Aquarius: Josh, voice like honey, crashed the lime scooter he and his bro were riding yesterday but wants you to know that his dick definitely still works
Pisces: Jake (yet another one), great butt, unmatched you on Tinder after you joked “Do you think if you added milk to White Claw it would be Even Whiter Claw?”
Well, it looks like that’s how the stars are playing out at the moment. Remember that you can’t avoid your fate but you can avoid men! My best advice (no stars involved) is to never set foot on fraternity ground, but then again, we all have our vices. So when you see me around campus with a man with a perfect head of hair but several forehead bruises, just walk on by.
Written by Francesca Varga, Social Media Officer