It’s 1:15 pm on the dot, class has only been in session for 30 minutes with 50 more to go. You just ate lunch and drank two cups of coffee. Now, you’re sitting in a giant, quiet lecture hall and the professor is droning on and on about today’s lesson. Then suddenly it happens, you’re struck with fear you might break the stillness with a loud and abrasive rip. So what do you do? What options do you have to make from here? These are my five best tips to come out on top of this stinky situation.
1. Act like you have never heard of a fart in your entire life.
“What the fuck was that!” “Did that come from me?” “For the love of God, what’s that smell?” Something simple that can be done with a few elementary acting skills and horrible social anxiety. If you aren’t confident enough to sit with it, pretend to pass out, fainting-goat-style. There will be questions but fortunately, you lost all possible links of communication to anyone in that room. Proud of you, bud!
2. Set your ringtone to a fart noise.
Set an alarm or have a buddy call you every so often during that class. Make sure to explain to everyone that you are a child and set your ringtone as such. You will then be known as that kid with the fart ringtone from class. Now, you have the perfect cover anytime you need to pass that gas in class. “What’s that? Nana’s in the hospital? She’s pregnant with how many babies? Five? Alright, I’m on my way. Good thing you called Doc., this kid next to me smells like a fart and I need out of here!”
3. Just Do It
What’s the worst that could happen? All 100 other students make direct eye contact with you? Everyone’s face in complete disgust as if they were watching you punt an orphan? The girl next to you loses her recently finished lunch? That may be all worth it to lose those rumblies in the tummies. This tip only works if you don’t understand shame or social boundaries.
DISCLAIMER: This article has no affiliation with Nike or Even Stevens.
4. Synchronize your fart with your own scream of terror.
This tip is perfect when you don’t want people to look at you for inappropriately farting but completely awful when you don’t want to look absolutely insane. At least you won’t be called ‘Stinky Stink Fart Boy’. However, you may be called an ambulance.
5. Go to the bathroom
Crazy idea, but it will relieve you from constantly rotating your seating position in fear one may sneak past your clenched cheeks as soon as there’s the slightest opening. Not only is this method your safest bet, but it will also prevent anyone who may find it funny to write a full article based on poor potty humor jokes.
Written by Casey Merriman, Contributor