Forget your BUCKID again? Lose the key to your suite? Did your roommate kick you out for the third time this week so he and his girlfriend can pork in peace? Well, you simple young’un, worry not! We’ve all been there before, so as an upperclassman, I will bestow unto you lowly freshman six things to pass the time with while you’re locked out of your dorm room!
1. Get started on your homework
Not having access to your room can be difficult, especially if you don’t have access to your laptop and your phone is dead. That doesn’t mean you can’t be productive while you sit on the floor, back against the door, praying your roommate decided to skip class and come home! You’ve got nothing else to do, so why not get a head start on your work this week? Break out that psych textbook that cost too much or crack open your new copy of Frankenstein you bought the other day despite having another copy at home. Let’s face it: even if you were in your room, you definitely wouldn’t be doing your work. Your lovely window view of the side of Taylor Tower is much too distracting to even think about your calc homework. It’s much more efficient doing your homework outside of your room and avoiding eye contact with those weirdos on your floor who take midday showers. (Disclaimer: We both know you aren’t going to do your homework, but that doesn’t mean we can’t pretend.)
2. Awkwardly flirt with the OAs at the front desk
This may seem kind of risky as you literally live in the same building as these people, but that’s what they’re there for, right? You’ve had your eye on one OA in particular who works during the afternoons and is either incredibly murderous or incredibly depressed. Shoot your shot! The worst thing that could happen is that they slip some anthrax into your mail, but that stuff only happens on campus once every few months. Don’t be afraid to try out some lines you’ve been working on. They also love it when you pepper in some dialogue about their job; try the classic, “Hey, is my package in yet?” Make sure to check in by saying that at least once every five minutes so they know you’re serious about them. Maybe not having access to your room for the afternoon is fate!
3. Fuck around on that piano in the lobby
Every dorm has one, sitting amidst the scattered furniture in all its shitty glory. Most days it sits empty and lonely, waiting to be touched, but today you’re going to be a goddamn ivory-tickling Casanova. Before really getting started, don’t be afraid to plunk out a few notes and wince at how out of tune the thing is (and don’t worry, they’re that out of tune everywhere. Yes, even in the music buildings). Once your magical fingers are warmed up you can speed through your repertoire: Hot Cross Buns, Chopsticks, and of course, a smidgeon of Ode to Joy. You can attempt the piano intro to Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg’s famous “Still D.R.E.”, but as that requires three fingers, you might want to take it easy this time. By the way every person who walks through the front doors is glaring at you, they probably agree.
4. Pretend to be an old-timey elevator operator
If you’re really desperate for your roommate to come home so they can unlock your door, there’s no better place to wait than the elevator. And hell, why not have a little fun while you’re at it? Hop in the elevator and stand directly in front of the buttons so no one else can try to touch them, then ask what floor they’re going to. If they do try to press the button themselves, smack their hand out of the way. It’s your job, after all. If you want to really get into your role, feel free to fashion yourself a little bellboy hat out of the paper towels in the bathroom, or speak in one of those funny voices, like a private eye in the 1930s mourning the loss of his wife. Take pride in your job and be modest, but don’t hesitate to ask for tips. You’re taking time out of your busy schedule to be an awkward inconvenience for everyone in your dorm, and they damn well better appreciate it.
5. Create a fort out of the loose furniture on your floor
This one requires some real determination and physical strength, but the end result will definitely be mildly worth it. Start by turning the couches upside down, and then crowd some of the smaller chairs around them to make the walls. Try to make a roof for your fort with the extremely uncomfortable and ugly cushions from both the chairs and the couches. Once all the hard work is done, feel free to deck out your new pad with some charm: perhaps a crudely drawn sign that says NO GIRLZ ALLOWED, or NO BOYZ ALLOWED if that’s more your style. Mark your territory by pissing around the outside of your fort so intruders will be thrown off by your overwhelmingly musky scent. If you want to take this to the next level, consider building your fort in the elevator and then screeching whenever someone else tries to enter. If you’re feeling like you want even more of a challenge, you can be an old-timey elevator operator in an overcrowded elevator that stenches of piss. The options are endless!
6. Cry, loudly
As you get further into college, you learn that sometimes, you just need to plop down and weep, openly. Freshman often make the mistake of just crying whenever they feel the need arise, but upperclassman know better. If you really want a good cry, you absolutely need to schedule it. If you’re sitting around with nothing else to do, feel free to crank one of those bad boys out right now. You need a good spot, of course, but that depends upon your preference. The lobby has comfy chairs, but that brings along the risk of someone daring to ask you if you’re “alright”. The laundry room can mostly guarantee privacy, but honestly, if you want to come to the laundry room, it should be to rediscover masturbation while sitting on the washing machine, not to have an emotional breakdown. The bathrooms have good acoustics, but that’s pathetically cliché. If you wanted to cry while sitting on a toilet, you would never have graduated high school. This is where the big kids play, and goddammit, if you’re gonna be a big kid, you’re gonna cry like one.
These six things to keep you busy while you’re locked out of your dorm room are just that: only six things. The options are truly endless to keep yourself occupied so that you don’t face the crippling depression that comes with the suffocating isolation of college. Don’t be afraid to experiment with the options listed above: after all, experimentation is what college is for!
Written by Madison Richards, Contributor