Written by Sydney Katznelson

As Craig wraps up his first semester at THE Ohio State University, he is faced with an…unusual circumstance. “At the beginning of the year I realized that I’m bisexual,” Craig stated, “so I began going to LGBTQ events on campus.” What Craig didn’t know is every time LGBTQ organizations host an event they are legally required by the state of Ohio to have a bowl of condoms in the room. “I didn’t know that AIDs spread like that,” Craig continued, “so just to be safe I started grabbing some condoms by the handful.”

Eventually, the number of events attended, plus the amount of condoms grabbed, in contrast to the amount of sex Craig was having (none), lead to quite the pile. “My roommate and I thought it would be funny to put them in a hat or something.” Until last week, the condoms were stored in a “I ❤️ Jesus” hat given out by Cru OSU in August.

Last Sunday, reality hit. “I just don’t know how to hide them from my mom.” Like any overbearing mom, Craig’s mom was most definitely going to search his backpack for illegal substances. Only Craig didn’t have any drugs —he did that on Thirsty Thursday—, but 50 unopened condoms.

Instead of being productive and having sex 50 times in 24 hours, Craig studied for his chemistry final. After getting an astonishing 7/55 on his exam, the day of reckoning came. Craig watched as his mom entered his sacred temple (Drackett Tower 429) and asked if she could check to see if he had “everything he needed”. Craig ain’t no dummy and knew that his time had come. He watched as his mom ripped open his bag, “I will never forget the look on her face,” he exclaimed, “that look will haunt me until the day that I die.” As Craig’s mom turned to face him with confusion and a hint of disgust on her face, Craig panicked and blurted out, “I’m a sex addict, you caught me.” When asked about it later he confessed, “I don’t know why I didn’t just tell her the truth. She loves the gays! She even takes me to pride every year!”

Currently Craig is in rehab for his “sex addiction”. We don’t know what facility he is located at, but we hope he is getting top notch care.