Written by Alex Kandakatla
In an astonishing twist to New Year’s resolutions, students across campus have reportedly been partaking in a trend known as “brain-maxxing”, the latest trend in self-improvement. Trading in their swipes for ice picks and tiny hammers, these students have truly revived the previously dying trend of pre-frontal lobotomies. These partygoers-turned-neurosurgeons are taking campus by storm, offering their services to friends and the general student population with a special “Buy One, Get One Free”promotion for a “mind-refreshing” start to the new year.
In our interviews, one student explained, “I’m a pre-med, I’m basically a doctor anyways. I figured if I already knew the anatomy of the brain, what’s the harm in performing some lobotomies for fun? It’s the ultimate way to kick off 2024!” Unsurprisingly, actual doctors and medical professionals are raising concerns about the potential dangers of untrained individuals forcing sharp objects into people’s heads. Critics argue that students should stick to more “traditional” resolutions, such as going to the gym or studying more efficiently, rather than amateur surgical experimentation.
As “brain-maxxing” rapidly gains momentum, university President Ted Carter and his administration are grappling with the new wave of rampant medical malpractice around campus. According to reports, ice pick sales have skyrocketed, causing employees to be perplexed but also relieved that they could finally out their store’s inventory.
While the idea of “brain-maxxing” may sound like joke trend, it seems that many students are taking it quite seriously. So, if you find yourself at a New Year’s Eve party, beware of the enthusiastic-looking kid with a shimmer in their eyes and a small briefcase in hand – you may be in for more than just a midnight kiss.