I’m a hopeless gambling addict, but I’m an even more hopeless romantic. Here are some dating apps that my bookie recommended, to raise my odds of finding love:

1. Ghostr
This dating app saves busy betters like me from the hassle of developing a false connection with another human, before getting virtually abandoned forever. Instead, Ghostr matches you with a hottie, shows you their picture, then immediately unmatches you. Efficiency is key!

2. Darwin’s Dating App
DDA only matches you with other humans who have avoided natural selection thus far. This app doesn’t help narrow down your dating pool, but at least it helps you avoid necrophilia, maybe? I love risky wagers, but even I wouldn’t take my chances with necrophilia.

3. Smells Like Love
Smells Like Love! Finally, an app that uses your iPhone’s olfactory sensor to exclusively match you with an equally rancid mate. Does your breath reek of coffee? Great, because your suitor’s breath smells of cigarettes- it’s a stench made in heaven <3

4. Debtr
Is your bookie threatening to drown you and your mother in a shallow river? Boy, I know that feeling! Well we can both sigh with relief, thanks to Debtr. Debtr finds you a Sugar Partner who will pay off your bookie so that you won’t drown in debt!

5. O-positively Love
Finally, a dating app just for people with O-positive blood types. You know what they say about love-it’s in your blood!

6. Shut The Fuck Up
Do you hate small talk on first dates? Shut The Fuck Up requires both sweethearts to sign a legal document which certifies that your future partner can’t say shit. Just remind them: Shut The Fuck Up.

7. Heel the Love
You can bet your bottom dollar that a lowly high-roller like me has a foot fetish! Heel the Love helps you find a pair of feet that you can worship forever.

8. Uber
If all else fails, just keep ordering Ubers until you find something in common with your driver. This method is expensive and objectively terrifying, but so is dying alone in a casino, just seconds after realizing that you haven’t been happy since Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide was still airing on TV, and no one’s been there to guide you since! You’re all alone, and Ned isn’t here to help you get out of your dead-end job. So you flood your evenings with liquor and Blackjack, until one day your heart can’t take another order of sad cheesy bread. So you die without ever experiencing love, all because you never mustered enough courage to ask Mary Craps out on a date. Mary loved playing craps, and you loved her! But you never told Mary Craps how you felt, because you were terrified of relationships. Ned Bigby wasn’t there to tell you to trust your heart. Ned never declassified Tip #12,372, which states that “two lonely gamblers should always bet on each other.”

*If you have a gambling problem, call 800-522-4700 for
assistance.

*If you have a gambling problem and a foot fetish, call
me 😉

Written by Adam Goecke, Staff Writer