It was a drizzly Tuesday. I still remember the smooth sound of his voice as he said, “We haven’t hung out in SO LONG! We should go to Starbucks.” I, knowing no better, stupidly agreed. Why would a friend who I haven’t spoken to in years suddenly reach out? Presumably to “catch up” and “shoot the breeze.” Little did I know, this would only make up the first ten minutes. When I got to the café, I ordered my hot coffee and sat down. When he arrived, he did the same. He asked about my kids, I asked about his wife. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until,

“Do you keep your opportunities open?”

What I was to make of this personally philosophical question, I was unsure. But stupidly, I said, “Sure, why?”

He replied, “Great! Well have you ever heard of multilevel marketing?”

My fight or flight response kicks in. What have I done? How could I not have seen this coming? Now I can’t leave without breaching social protocol. But isn’t he doing so by springing a business proposition on me while I’m in a corner? Goddammit.

“I’ve heard of some. Again, why?”

“Well let me tell you about LoVenture!”

Oh no. A merging of two words that kind of, but don’t really go together. A Mormon- esque smile on his face. Oh no, he’s pulling out a folder.

“So here’s what we do: for just one down payment of $199.99 or four monthly payments of $99.99, you can become a Love-sociate. What does that mean? I’m glad you asked.”

I didn’t. That doesn’t add up. QuickMaths.

He continues. “At this level, you can officially start marketing your website and helping people gain what everyone wants but can’t always get.”

“A good fuck?”

“Good God, no! What do you think we sell?”

“Sorry! The name made me think this was some pyramid scheme sex ring thing.”

“No, silly! We don’t sell sex! That’s illegal. And so are pyramid schemes by the way. We prefer Funnel-Shaped Multilevel Network Matrix Marketing and Distribution.”

“So then what do you sell?”

“Love, of course!”

“The concept of love? How do you even-“

“Let us worry about that! Ya see, once you join, you find three people who you know need some love, then they find three people, and so on until you’ve got your own business pool, a small fortune, and all the love you can handle. Happy Valentines Day, am I right? With LoVentures, you could make every day Valentine’s Day.”

There’s a moment of silence. I stare at him with a half-assed grin as he awaits my response. I know my answer. I’d sooner dunk my testicles into my scalding coffee before selling my soul to this godless financially parasitic organization. But, I think the better of it and say what you know you would too.

“I’ll think about it. Thanks.”

“Cool, I’ll call you in a few days to follow up!”

Fuck. Oh well, at least we can continue socializing now.

“So you thinking about going to the homecoming parade?”

“Probably not. It isn’t in the budget. Next year though, trust me. I’ll buy us all drinks too.” He winks at me as if he won’t be in a financial abyss next year this time. “I actually have plans soon though so I have to head out.”

It hasn’t been thirty minutes. Did he really-

“It was good catching up with you though. Think about what I said. We’ll be in touch!”

He puts on his jacket, takes his drink, and leaves. I sit there, dumbfounded. All I can think about is whether I need to change my phone number or my legal name.

Written by Bradford Douglas, Staff Writer