The Ohio State University had to let go of its greatest icons earlier this week: Brutus Buckeye was terminated for embezzling $3 million from the athletic department over the course of 8 years. Following his termination, Mr. Buckeye was intercepted by the police and arrested. While being taken in, Brutus could be heard shouting, “You’ll pay for this, you parasitic shithead!” at a disillusioned President Michael V. Drake. The day after Brutus’s arrest, President Drake held a press conference. “We’ve been trying to improve the wi-fi at the stadium for so long but have had no idea why we never had the money for it. I am both relieved and disappointed to discover why,” he confided to reporters.
Shortly after being taken into police custody, Columbus Police released a statement detailing the events of the crime, which includes a confession from Brutus himself. In the statement, Brutus is quoted, saying “I made them that money. Every week, they had me busting my ass. Do you know how many times I had to hit myself in the head? The doctors didn’t know, either, but I was getting concussions every week, and the hospital bills were racking up. So I asked them back in 2011, ‘could I use some of the money that I made for you to cover my medical expenses?’ well those good-for-nothing scumbags had the fucking nerve to say I was being unreasonable. For fuck’s sake, I had to pay the bills! So yeah, I took that money. What choice did I have?” By confessing, it is likely that Brutus will only spend up to five years in federal prison, with parole after two years.
At press time, President Michael V. Drake is preparing the University’s next stage. “It pains me to see Brutus make the decision that he did, but we must move on without him,” Drake said in his press conference, adding, “So about that wi-fi. We’re getting it.” Drake’s promise was met with approval across campus—as if the student body was ready to forget the tragedy of Brutus Buckeye.
Written by Zach Levy, Treasurer